Month: July 2017

I haven’t written anything substantive over the last quarter and I apologise for that. A friend introduced me to a guy, there was chemistry and laughter and for a window in time, I was happy to just enjoy a presence without though for the future. Notorious for my well ordered interactions with others, I let go of the reins and indulged in the moment. There were long text messages, pictures, dinner and hilarity. Surmise to say, I was happier with a guy than I had been over the past 2-3 years.

It didn’t last, of course. Despite not planning a future with the dude, I still needed some measure of reciprocity. The dalliance ended the same way it began, quietly and over text messaging. What is it with guys and text message endings? while other dalliances fall apart due to inadequate time and communication, we fell out because we were both on vacation. I needed my text messages answered daily as per custom and he needed a weeklong break. I had no idea and in the spirit of improving communication, I asked if I was bothering him. He replied in the negative and then sent a prose about feeling conflicted.

I am way too tired for conflicted dealings with men, especially those who are supposed to know better. What’s the point of Netflix, a comfy bed and good friends to spend valuable energy on those who don’t want you? I guess, this is to say, I am done. Tired.

 

 

Sometimes you forget
How amazing you are and curse the very things that make you you
You curse the brain which analyzes everything, making sense out of chaos
This same brain that insists on breaking everything down, requiring too much of your strength
The heart which goes soft for dear ones and is deeply hesitant to letting go
It’s ability to be wounded frustrates you and you hate it’s inability to spontaneously heal
You hate the mouth that insists on staying silent even in times of intense pain and anxiety
You curse it as you sit at your desk enduring a panic attack unnoticed by your colleagues
Then you hate the forgetfulness
For making you lead with a description of all that you hate about yourself
To a complete stranger, apologizing in advance for all that you are
Forgive yourself for all the times that you’ve forgotten that
This brain led you here, a foreign country with its own unique language
To this job, with travel to other lands and complex negotiations
This heart, loves ever deeply and has survived many leavings without completely scarring over
It remained open at the leavings of your parents, best friends, and lovers alike
Taking their lessons and rebuilding each time. Be patient, for it must rebuild anew.
The mouth, aided by the brain, swallowed many angry retorts and buried its pain. You needed that to survive and survive you did. It is learning to open up and thrive.
Please be patient with yourself for you are healing.
Love
Faakor