Forgiving

How do you forgive somebody who broke you? This question has been on my mind for the last year. I am in the middle of another upheaval, this one initiated by my own hand. My need for a change came to a head during a therapy session where I said to my therapist ” I am comfortable in Norway; I have never been comfortable at a place before but it feels like I am just waiting until I die”. She smiled and replied “You are a little young to wait for death, you need to live”.

So I have been living! I went through a recruitment process and received a job offer in Berlin, Germany. The offer sent me into a panic spiral but one by one, my village came through. Panicked about starting afresh in a new city by my lonesome? The BFF offered to move with me. Leaving my plants behind? I found a relocation agent to drive them the 12 hours. Worried about my Drammen apartment? Another friend recommended a rental agency to manage it while I am away. A place to live in Berlin? A new friend living in Berlin went to view the perfect flat and I signed the lease. The biggest challenge was my Norwegian citizenship application and the approval came through the very day I tendered in my resignation, exactly three hours after I sent the resignation email.

All these activities have been conducted during the raging pandemic that is cover-19 with shut borders and impending recession. I remain grateful and hopeful for the future so I am trying to forgive, bringing me back to the first question. How do I forgive the person who broke me enough to look for any way out of my current job?

“personality could be changed, with some effort though”. With these words, my boss of 2 years broke my heart in March 2019. The hurt went so deep especially as I had trusted her to provide feedback directly related to my work. Before our annual review, I had thought that we were doing well, despite our two disparate personalities. That discussion put that to bed and even though she apologised the next working day, the damage run too deep. I spent the whole weekend crying, it still hurts when I remember. She triggered my insecurities surrounding my introversion compared to the predominant extraversion within the team.

Added to that was the discovery that I was making 20% less than other comparable colleagues. I knew there was an immigrant tax but the sheer value of it took my breath away and I was adrift.

With time, the hurt turned to resentment, this impenetrable murky weight in my stomach. I went to therapy, exercised, talked but nothing worked so I intensified by hunt for an escape which I found.

I remain beyond grateful and joyful to have escaped but I know that she is not a bad person, a mantra which I repeated to myself for the past year. Perhaps thoughtless and careless with her words, but not malicious; at least that is my hope and I want to be able to remember her without the accompanying hurt. So far, I think I am failing. I know things take time and still I wish my heart would work a little faster.