Compared to the year before, 2017 has been one of slow unfurling of my innermost conflicts, insecurities and repressed emotions. All the trauma i had endured pre-2016 were let out in the light that year; as such I regarded 2017 as the year of healing. As written by the poet, Ijeoma, healing comes in waves and so I had to ride the waves in addition to the other changes going on in the world. There were many moments when I lost hope and sight of who I am, I am unsure if I have fully recovered both at this moment. My therapist promises me that it gets better and I do feel better but I no longer trust myself and that is what hurts the most of all.
I realised somewhere during the year that I am deeply afraid of being the hero and villain of my own story so took to questioning my intuition and recollections, leaving me an anxious jumbled up mess. In addition to these internal conflicts, there were changes at work leading to the exit of my old team. Those hit hard, so hard that I cried for two weeks at the drop of a pin, thereby making me feel even more insecure. I know that I need to be gentle with me but then there is the fear of going soft. Who would advocate for me if I went soft? The only constant in my life has been me thus far and everybody is busy with their own rigmarole.
Nevertheless, I am grateful for the ride that has been 2017. I fell deeply in like and was not devastated when it ended for the first time in my life. The world did not end, and I believe I am strong enough to try for something more next year. The experience reminded me what it felt like to like someone and look forward to communicating with them. I loved that openness and the joy and hope 2018 presents another such opportunity.
I am also grateful for finally opening up to my therapist about my real state of mind despite my internal debate as to my actual state of mind. Validation from a professional, while nerveracking is little compared to the relief knowing that I am not making everything up. The tears shed in her office have been worth the comfort.
Going into 2018, I wish for myself more self confidence, trust in my own decision making abilities and less fear of what others may perceive me as. I want to be able to negotiate for the upwards of 10% salary increase with confidence in my own abilities, reject boys I only sort of like with confidence and get my dream apartment within my price point. I want to get to the point of trust again and get a wonderful new job opportunity in the late part of the year. And the last but not least only visit Ghana if I am up for it.
myrandomramblings808 