Voices

It’s been a tough year for me. I have been sad and empty through most of it, I suspect its low grade depression. The last time I remember feeling like this was in 2011 when I was mourning my inability to do my masters studies due to financial constraints. I prayed fro death in those times, hoping to die in my sleep in order to still qualify for heaven.

This time, I can’t pinpoint the cause. I suspect going home and being disappointed by my parents pushed me towards my old friend and the need to be emotionally balanced at work doesn’t help. I also think I have taken on too many diverse friends and there are few safe spaces for me in my own life. I need to clear my head and figure out what it is I need and want without all the noise.

Yesterday, I had drinks with two of my most cherished friends and the talk was about relationships, one is engaged and the other happily married for nearly 20 years. There was a lot of talk about me being more generous to boys and more patient and encouraging them to change. But I don’t really have the energy to invest in anybody right now. I’m mostly tired and just working at being enough for myself.

I am so tired of investing in people, I barely keep it together and while I am happy for them in their lives, I wish they let me live mine. There have been moments where I’ve lived fearlessly and been ready to invest in others but not right now. Now, the thought of surviving in joy even alone is enough to sustain me as I can’t see things getting better anytime soon.

I hope I get assigned a psychologist soon, I have too much to say and I find myself censoring around everybody, who wants to hear me talk about being constantly depressed all day? I even bore myself on occasion, just want a vacation from my own damn head. Thing is I have everything I ever wanted and I am grateful. I’m just tired of it all. Church is not enough anymore, I am drifting away from God and the Bible too. I am scared of not doing my job properly but everything is hazy and foggy, I can’t lose this job because it is the only way I remain in Norway.

I would take a month long vacation from it all if I wasn’t so scared, go see a private psychologist if I wasn’t more worried about money, tell my parents how they really make me feel and tell me friends to leave me alone.