Things of which I am afraid

I am told that I had a mental breakdown at age 11

I don’t have a clear memory of this event but the things I remember inspire fear, joy and many other emotions I prefer to leave unexamined

I remember standing in the compound of my junior high school and not knowing why I was there

I remember missing and wishing for my mother without ever seeing her

I remember locked joints and psychiatric hospital visits with the doctors saying: “there is nothing wrong with her”

I remember the fear on my father’s face every time I repeated the same joke to him

I remember getting to my home village and not remembering the why

I remember fetish priests and white cloth sourced by my grandmother

I remember herbs, fasts and devout men of God

I remember lost memories of the time and an inconsistent mind after

I remember failing at school that year because I could not recall my lessons

Sometimes, I miss that time. My mind was unbounded and my tongue was unbridled.

Other times, I wake up in cold sweat when I remember the forgetting

I am afraid to go back to that time for that fear

What does it matter if the constant exposure to a large crowd of people makes me feel like there are bees buzzing in my head

And these same bees carry dark thoughts to me in airplanes

I can not go back to that time

I will not go back to forgetting